Lessons in Cartography

Welcome to mapping day at DFCI. First up, a meeting with my spirited, high-energy nurse, Mary Lou, running through all the potential side effects, what to eat/not eat, do/not do, wear/not wear, etc.  Drinking from a fire hose, again.  Agnès once again sat with me, capturing all the drops gallons coming at me.  Thank you to all my note-takers, they are invaluable (the notes and my peeps) even if I notice re-reading them isn’t a thing…yet.

The CAT scan (“computed axial tomography” just in case you were wondering) included: drinking contrast dye (yum – who doesn’t love a delightful cup of chalk?), guzzling 3 full glasses of water, 3 new tattoos (woot!), a map of my body (so that they can precisely target the radiation) and a scan.  Breathe in, breathe out, wash, rinse, repeat.

Done – change back out of my designer “johnnie”, coat on, ready to lea…”wait…don’t go, we need to re-do that whole last bit”.  Feeling full (of water, dye, hospital, fear and frustration), I burst into tears.  He meant well, I’m sure, but when the nurse tried to “silver line” the moment, I calmly (I hope) let him know that I just needed to feel the frustration and vent, not at anyone, just the situation. While I practice gratitude…a lot…it’s not what I needed in that moment. I have a hunch this will be a recurring theme. 

I want to be optimistic, I want to be positive, I know I will try.  I’m also more and more aware that I need to want to create a space for #allthefeels.  Care-taking comes (too) naturally to me (heeyyy Enneagram 2); I’m practicing turning that toward my heart, my needs, moment by moment.  (Just writing that created a big gulp!). 

“I can do it!” energy alone is not what will serve me during this chapter. I believe I can and believe I will (feel free to remind me): I have trained well for trauma (9/11, breast cancer, the list goes on).  I therefore relinquish my cape (for now ;), lay down my armor and lean into asking for what I need as I remember that everything is given. 

News flash: I have just enrolled in Receiving 101.

*drawing by Ed Fairburn