Me first!

It’s <GO> time.  Port placed (ouch!), day one of chemoradiation in the books, sticker gleefully added to the chart. 

Honestly, given the anticipation, the waiting, the planning, the daily recitals of potential side effects I might expect from the Chemo pills and the radiation, in the end, I felt some relief on Day 1.  Let’s get this done.  One step closer to shrinking this foreign object illegally residing in my body.

Conveniently, (only for the sake of the metaphor!) there are 26 more days of chemoradiation, 26 more miles, I do know how to do this.  My doctors remind me it’s a marathon, not a sprint (hey that’s my metaphor!). I will absolutely rely on some muscle memory when my feet feel heavy.  I’m intimately acquainted with the drill, It’s that familiar mind chatter that starts with: “I cannot go another step” and with a bit of grit and a dash of belief, finds its way to “I can, I will, this sucks, and still, I’ll find a way to put one foot in front of the other”. This finish line is non-negotiable. 

And while this may seem ridiculously obvious (if your brain is not mired in the chaos that is currently whirring in mine), I had a moment of clarity this week while, once again, trying to figure out to which workshops and clients I could commit.  “Welllll”, thought I, “I might feel just good enough to pull this or that off, I’m tough, I can do this.”  And as light dawned and the little striver (with a megaphone) in me stopped babbling for a hot minute (she does not easily give in), I heard a whisper of wisdom, “your health comes first, full stop, there’s nothing to figure out”. 

Breaking news alert: I will put my health first 100% of the time.  Period.  Feel free to remind me ;). Apparently, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

ps: remembering that this finish line marks phase one feels a bit daunting - I’ve never run an ultra. Once again, I’m so grateful for the people around me…I’ll get by with a little help from my friends…